One of the hardest aspects of alopecia for me to deal with is the uncertainty. Will my hair grow back? If it does, how long until it falls out again?
Sorry to be a downer, but I actually resent the hair that's coming in. For one thing, I don't want to be patchy. I don't want a bald head and a fuzzy face. That's just weird. For another thing, seeing hair gives me and people I love a little bit of hope that normalcy is returning. But the nature of this disease is such that any hope can be proven false on any given day.
But I also resent this hair growth for another reason, one that many people may not understand. You see, I have been forming a new sense of self during these past few years. I have stepped out into a bold new style, I have learned about true beauty and how I can grow as a woman, and I have challenged people around me who make assumptions and unqualified judgments. I don't necessarily want to go through another change right now, one where I accept being a "partially-hairless" person.
Let it all be gone for good.
Now, I don't think I can honestly say that I would choose to remain hairless if I had the choice to get my hair back, as long as I knew it would be permanent. But I have been realizing that my struggle with alopecia has been a gift in many ways. I have been set apart somehow, and I kind of like the uniqueness I carry with me.
So, little newbie hairs, you better decide very soon if you are here to stay. (Yes, I'm talking to my hair. One of the stranger side effects of this disorder.) I am not open for tourism.
I recall when this hairloss first starting happening - we all thought "No way..." and none of us understood it. But now, even tho' I have days where I still wonder "why Wendy, why any woman," I see a woman who Does understand, who Does carry herself with dignity and a newborn sense of the beauty allover, and a woman who has more confidence than most I've met... even tho she may not recognize it! So carry on even if some hair decides to show it self for the time being - :)
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